All the Music
by wormfoot
Summary: This is crack up funny, we remixed songs such as War, Mary had a little lamb, and Dumbledore has an amazing act! You have to read. PG-13, bad langauge, a little, not too bad.
1. Voldy's hit

Author's note: Hey, we butcher old songs and make them into songs that suit the character singing them. There might be only half of a song, but don't worry, have fun.  
  
"Judging tonight is Minerva Mcgonagall, Severus Snape, Argus Filch, and Mad-eye Moody." Lee Jordan announced. "Here is Voldemort with a twisted version of, 'When you're good to Mamma' from the Chicago Sound track."  
  
"Ask any of the wizards on my side  
  
They'll tell you stories 'bout the ones that died  
  
I hate 'em all but all of them love me  
  
Because the system works  
  
The system called generosity...NOT!  
  
Got a little motto  
  
Always sees me through  
  
When you're good to Voldy  
  
Voldy's good to you.  
  
They do many favors  
  
Their prepared to do  
  
You do one for Voldy  
  
He'll do one for you.  
  
When my life is on the line  
  
And it's me or you  
  
See you later buddy  
  
Cause that's just what I do!  
  
Damn that stupid Potter Time to see him through  
  
When you're good to Voldy  
  
Voldy's good to you!  
  
If you need my power  
  
Which you probably do  
  
You do one for Voldy  
  
He'll do one for you  
  
When I see your dark mark  
  
It makes me really pleased You better bow down to me  
  
Or else you'll be deceived  
  
The folks at the ministry  
  
Are the ones the world obeys  
  
So if you don't help kill them Then that's the end of your days  
  
Let's all kill together  
  
Like the mobsters do  
  
When you're helpin' Voldy  
  
Voldy's helpin' you  
  
So what's the one conclusion  
  
I can bring this number to?  
  
When you're good to Voldy  
  
Voldy's good to you!" Voldemort sang with all his might.  
  
Then the ratings began.  
  
"9 out of 10, I loved the beat, but the lyrics were not my type." Mcgonagall said.  
  
"10, you turned a woman's song into a big hit." Snape sneered.  
  
"8, I didn't like the way you didn't move your arms." Filch said petting Mrs. Norris.  
  
"9, nice dress, but your song seemed threatening to some." Mad-eye Moody said.  
  
"That makes a total of 36 out of 40." Lee Jordan said. "Next is a duet by Ron and Harry." 


	2. Ron and Harry mix it up

"And here is Ron and Harry with there own version of Mary Had a little Lamb." Lee Jordan announced.  
  
"Hermione had a little cat, little cat, little cat. Hermione had a little cat named Crook-shanks." Ron sang.  
  
"Everywhere that Scabbers went, Scabbers went, Scabbers went. Everywhere that Scabbers went, that cat was sure to go." Harry sang beautifully.  
  
"Then one day he ate that rat, ate that rat, ate that rat. Then one day he ate that rat, and it turned into a man." Ron and Harry finished together.  
  
The ratings. Get it? The RATings.  
  
"4. I didn't like the song, and the lyrics were, Er, very graphic." Mcgonagall stuttered.  
  
"1. It was horribly sung, and Potter, you shook your arse to much." Snape said.  
  
"10, it had to do with cats. Isn't that right, Mrs. Norris?" Filch said, still petting Mrs. Norris.  
  
"9, because you caught a dark wizard, and only because you caught a dark wizard." Mad-eye Moody said.  
  
"That make a total of 24 out of 40." Lee Jordan tried not to laugh. "Next up, Dumbledore."  
  
"Voldemort triumphs over he-who-must-not-sing." Voldemort smiled.  
  
"Shut up, play boy." Harry said. 


	3. Dumbledore is too Sexy

"Now Dumbledore with. with. with his own little song." Lee Jordan looked at the script and thought it was a typo.  
  
"I'm too sexy for this hat." He sang and through it off. "I'm too sexy for these shoes." He threw those off also. "I'm too sexy for these robes." He started taking them off. "TAKE IT OFF!" Mcgonagall screamed. Then he finally took off everything besides his underwear. "I'm too sexy for my arse, too sexy for my hair, too sexy for my voice, too sexy for my-"  
  
"That's enough said." Lee Jordan interrupted.  
  
"10, only because you are sexy, baby." Mcgonagall stared.  
  
"9, only because you are the headmaster." Snape looked in the other direction.  
  
"2, I don't like Harry Potter underwear, even whitey-tidies would do." Filch was covering Mrs. Norris's eyes.  
  
"1, you need more mojo, man, yeah, but you're a sexy beast." Mad-eye Moody starred.  
  
"Total is, 22, amazingly. Next up is the Marauders." Lee Jordan said, ending the act abruptly.  
  
"I beat Dumbledore!" Voldemort was doing the monkey.  
  
"Yah, but I'm sexier." Dumbledore licked his finger and put it on his butt and made a sizzling noise.  
  
"Well then I must be the sexiest person alive." Ron said staring at his body. 


	4. Marauders in action, WAR!

"Now up is the Marauders, Peter, Sirius, Remus, and James. They are singing War by Bruce Springsteen."  
  
"WAR!" Sirius sang.  
  
"What is it good for?" Peter sang.  
  
"Absolutely nothing." James sang as bitterly as Harry.  
  
"Say it again." Remus sang.  
  
"WAR!" Sirius sang.  
  
"What is it good for?" Peter sang.  
  
"Absolutely nothing." James sang as bitterly as Harry.  
  
"Say it again." Remus sang.  
  
"WAR!" Sirius sang.  
  
"What is it good for?" Peter sang.  
  
"Absolutely nothing." James sang as bitterly as Harry.  
  
"Say it again." Remus sang.  
  
"Is that all you know?" Lee Jordan asked.  
  
"We know the next part has to do with, well, war." Sirius said.  
  
Ratings.  
  
"10, hot arse, Peter." Mcgonagall said.  
  
"-5, you kicked my non pretty arse when I was a kid." Snape hissed as a tear ran down his cheek.  
  
"25, if you can give negatives I can give un negatives." Filch said.  
  
"10, you are sexiness itself, padfoot." Mad-eye said.  
  
"Amazing again, 40 out of 40." Lee Jordan announced. "Next is Harry Potter's solo dedicated to James." 


	5. Harry, James in trouble

"Now it's another Harry Potter song, Daddy wasn't there from the 3rd Austin Power movie, baby." Lee Jordan read the script, "Huh? Voldemort is more sexier than Dumbledore? What's all this about Ron's butt and Potter's urge to shake it up?"  
  
"Daddy wasn't there, to take me to the fair, it's like he doesn't ccccaaarrrreee, daddy wasn't there. When I was customized, when I was super sized, when I was circumcised, daddy wasn't there, to take me to the fair, to change my under wear. Daddy wasn't there, peace out." Harry sang sadly.  
  
"Why me? Why not your mother?" James pointed to Lily, Lily smacked him over the head with a book.  
  
"12!" Mcgonagall yelled out.  
  
"50, I hated your daddy too, Harry." Tears were rolling out of Snape's eyes.  
  
"-20, if you have a problem with your pops then just do what Voldy would do, kill him. You whiny little brat." Filch yelled and Mrs. Norris purred.  
  
"10, my daddy didn't love me!" Mad-eye had tears rolling out of his good eye.  
  
"That was great! That's a total of 42 out of 40." Lee announced.  
  
"Why does the world hat me?" James asked.  
  
"Because you are a psychotic pervert jerk who doesn't love his own son." Lily yelled.  
  
"I gave him a lot of money." James said.  
  
"Shut up, I don't want to yell at you in front of people."  
  
"Yes, dear." James grumbled. 


	6. Hermione Shakes it

"Now up, it's Hermione with the Big Butts Song, it's called I like Big Books." Lee Jordan read.  
  
"Oh my god, Harry, look at her book It is so big It looks like one of those dictionary knock off's Who understands those books? They only read them because it looks big and makes them look smart. I mean her book It's just so big I can't believe it's so square It's just out there I mean, it's stupid Look, it's just so old.  
  
I like big books and I can not lie You other geeks can't deny That when a geek walks in with a glasses case And a big book in your face You get hooked Wanna pull up front Cuz you notice that book was WOW Deep in the pages were wonderful words I'm hooked and I can't stop staring Oh, books I wanna get with yas And look at your pictures My house girls tried to warn me But with that book you got Would make me so very geeky  
  
Ooh, rub all those pages Look at this word Well hook me, use me cuz you ain't that average book thang  
  
I've read them all The hell with being cool As long as I'm havin' fun  
  
I'm tired of magazines saying flat books the only thing Take the average geek and ask him that It's gotta pack much stuff, so  
  
Fellas (yeah), fellas (yeah) Has those geeks got the book (hell yeah) Well read it, read it, read it, read it, read that healthy book  
  
(LA face with Oakland booty)  
  
I like'em square and big And when I'm throwin' a gig I just can't help myself I'm actin like an animal Now here's my scandal  
  
I wanna read you now And ooh, double ooh, ooh I ain't talkin' bout average comic books Cause those are just for crooks I want em real thick and long So find that juicy page That Mixes lot's of rage That throughs you back into the oldage So I'm lookin' at the latest hit Readin' these books, try'in to fit You can have them average books I'll read my books like oh no A word to the thick soul I wanna get with ya I won't tear or rip ya But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna read Til the break of dawn Books, they've got it goin' on A lot of coolies won't like this song Cuz them punks like to trip it and rip it But I'd rather stay and read Cuz I'm long and I'm strong And I'm down to get the readin' on  
  
So geeks (yeah), geeks (yeah) If you wanna read my book (yeah) Then read around Read all day Even white boys got to do it Books like that one really do it." Everyone was dancing to it.  
  
Then the ratings.  
  
"10. I like the lyrics, good job Granger." Mcgonagall said.  
  
"10, cause I'm down with it homey." Snape showed the hang loosed sign.  
  
"10, it rocked." Filch said.  
  
"10, it was groovy baby, yeah." Mad-eye Moody said.  
  
"That make Harry and Hermione tied up with 40 points out of 40 points." Lee Jordan said. "Let's have a quick intermission, here to entertain you during this time is a skit by Cho, Shadow (Read Harry Potter and the return of Riddle by me), Hermione, Ginny, and Luna." 


End file.
